Today

My children are making me laugh today.  I am watching them sing and dance and talk and laugh and my heart is swelling.  They are at such fun ages.  Everything in our life is Exciting.  Adventurous. New. Thrilling. A Learning Experience.  

Oh, how I frustrate myself when my agenda and our to-do list becomes more important than this.

Confession: the only time I really get frustrated with my children is when I have an agenda.  I have something in mind, something to do and their actions are hindering ME from accomplishing what I need to do, get where I need to get, take the picture that I want to take, etc, etc, etc.  MY agenda. MY timeframe. MY needs. MY schedule. MY expectations of the ways something should happen.  And the result... MY frustration.  At those times I am forced, once again, to stare my selfishness straight in the face.  Thankfully the Lord has given me eyes to recognize this and see it for what it really is.  Typically, I am capable of stepping back from the situation and acknowledging the reasoning for my frustrations.  I can always trace it back to the root: my children's actions are not aligning with my agenda.  Thank you, Jesus for having compassion on me... a selfish child.  Confession over.

Right now we are enjoying the fun, exciting, adventurous, new, thrilling, learning experience that we call today!  Thank you, Jesus, for a new day... for TODAY!

A Journal. A Treasure.

 Journaling.

One of my favorite past times.

I delight in curling up on the couch, or sprawling out on the grass with my Bible, my journal and a mound of thoughts.

I can write and write and never tire of the feel of ink flowing freely from my pen as the words pour forth onto the page. I am sure journaling is pertinent in my love affair with the Lord, it's vital to the well-being of my soul.  I encounter the Lord on a blank sheet of paper. He speaks to me through words that don't even resonate in my mind until I step back and look at what has been written.

This very reason is why I journal for my children. A love for writing and a love for capturing memories, has spurred this urgency in me.

I do it for myself, to be reminded of all of the firsts, all of the milestones, and all of the small moments that bring me so much joy.  Even now as I look back, I am so thankful for the reminder of their beautiful development. I have already forgotten so much and if not for the words, I may not have so much detail to spark my remembrance of phases that are long past. 

I do it also for them. There will be a day when they will read the words and I pray they will paint a picture of who they were from birth. Maybe as they read their journals at a young age they will laugh at all of the silly things they have done. And as they mature, possibly they will read them as words far removed. They will not remember the moments I've written about and almost feel as though it is another child I wrote about. But as a parent, someday when they have children of their own, I pray that as they read the journals they will have a tender heart for who they were as a child, understanding who they are as adults. As they experience loving their own child, that they would have a tender heart for me and see that I loved them far beyond words. I loved them with my heart. I loved them deep in my soul. My prayer is that instead of looking at their life and seeing the mistakes I made, they would understand that their dad and I loved them the best we could.  We sought the Lord in cultivating their spirits. I pray that they will see similarities between themselves and their own offsprings. Through that, they will see the Lord's beauty in the passing on of traits. 

I do it for the Lord. I am being obedient in his calling of this from me. A friend told me of this habbit long before I even had children. She told me she felt as though the Lord asked her to share this with me, and I am forever thankful for her obedience. I do it to remind myself each time I write that my children are not mine. They are gifts. Gifts the Lord has entrusted into my care. It is a simple reminder for me to lay them at his feet, give them into his care and pray for them. Pray for their life. Pray for their health. Pray for obedience. Pray for salvation. Pray for their future. Pray for protection. Pray for provision. Pray for all of the things that I so desperately want to give them out of my strength, but know that I cannot. I don't have those things to give. Not to them, not to anyone. 

The way I have chosen to take up journaling for my children is not on a daily basis. It's not even on a weekly basis. I journal as the Lord leads. Often it's a time or two a month. Sometimes I miss a month...or two. I let Noah scribble on the pages when he wishes to. I simply date his artwork and go on with my writing. I let Kayt drool on the pages and I circle it and put a simple note of "sweet slobber" and her age.  I write what I feel. I write about how I feel towards them at that specific moment. I write down favorite words, phrases, toys, songs, activities and past times. I write down the dates of milestones. Often I write prayers, but more often I just let my words flow. 

In my life, these 2 books of paper and ink are treasures. In my husbands life, they are important. In my children's lives, they my be silly or meaningful. That isn't for me to determine. But someday, when I place them in their care, I will hand them over as precious jewels, worth more than all the money in the world.  I will tenderly and lovingly place them in their arms, knowing they actually belong to them. Though they are my words, they are their stories. 

When I do this, I will have much practice handing treasures over. I practice everyday.

I hand my family over to Jesus. My precious jewels, worth more than all the wealth this world could buy...they are His. Though they may be my children, they are His creation.  Though I may orchestrate their daily schedule, He orchestrates their lives...they are his story.  I tenderly and lovingly place them into His hands, thankful that he as allowed me to journey as their mother. 

And someday when I'm gone...I pray that the mere sight of my handwriting makes their heart leap. I pray they know that their daddy and I loved them as much as a parent could. 

I would like to know how other parents document their children's lives. Many people journal, I know I'm not alone, but are there other ideas? What has the Lord put on your heart? I would love to hear from you and possibly adopt your ideas. 

I Wonder

As I sit in my over-sized chair and stare out the window in my living room, all morning I've gazed at the elementary school across the street with wonder. 

I wonder what it will be like when I walk my chubby-cheeked  boy and big-eyed girl to the door of their elementary school. Whether the school in my view or another, the day will come. I will walk these souls to the classroom of a school and leave them to be entranced by the knowledge they will inhale, though taller and wiser and more fluent in speech, they will still be my babies. My precious, captivating, miraculous babies. 

I may be able to put it off for a year. Maybe two or three, if I can convince my husband that home-schooled kids are NOT freaks, but inevitably they will fly from my coup. 

I wonder what my life will be like when I don't wake up to the sound of small feet running wildly on a hardwood floor. Or walk into a pink room only to find a wide-eyed beauty on her tummy, elbows locked, anxiously staring over the black and white paisley bumper awaiting her morning rescue. I wonder what I will do to fill my time when I'm not rolling on the floor with my sweet girl just to get a giggle from the deepest pit of her belly, or reading book after book after book, or folding tiny socks and pajamas. 

I wonder.

I cherish when the little body sitting beside me in our chair wraps his fluffy, creased arms around my waist and flails his yogurt-covered face into  my lap and says I Yuv You as I lean down to kiss his uncombed head of hair.  What will this wild, dirty-blonde haired boy accomplish in his life? I wonder.  

My prayer is the verse his daddy has claimed from the Lord to be our sweet boy's anthem. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  How will he come to know the Lord and what kind of ride of mercy will he take? What nations will he reach and how will I trust the Lord in using his life? I wonder.

And I wonder what sounds will bring me as much joy as those that come from my munchkin. My princess, who tugs on my sleeve as she sits propped by the big, over-sized pillows of our chair with all her effort focused on gaining my attention.  The sounds that spill from her mouth delight me more than the most beautiful of melody pouring from a stringed quartet.  i love the giggles that escape as I nuzzle my nose into that squishy belly and watch her hands flap aimlessly in the air. And the coos and squeals that shrieks as I work to take in all the kisses her slobber covered neck hold and work my kisses to her tooth-less grin. 

I wonder what moments in my future will allow me to see the goodness of God in such a tangible, evident way. I wonder. I wonder how she will experience God's richest goodness in her life and what type of outpouring she will choose to give back to him. 

And I wonder how tall Noah will be. 

Six foot two like daddy or will he surpass him? 

I wonder what shade of brown Kayt's  locks will appear as the sun bounces off of them while running through the sprinkler. 

Will we let it to grow long and beautiful, or keep is it short and manicured?

I wonder.

I wonder where all the tears I will cry as I drop my babies off at some elementary school will fall. Surely they will be plentiful enough to bring moisture to the tulips in the dry west Texas spring. 

But as God has increased my territory over the past few years and brought more delight and blessings to my life than my mind could ever have dreamed, I wonder what he has in store for the future. 

I wonder. 

I know with all certainty that there will be one, if not a thousand, moments in my life I will long for the chair-sitting, wondering days back. But sometimes, don't you just wonder?

Cardboard Testimony

There is more to a book than just the cover. 

Though the cover may seem appealing, the content may leave you lacking. And vice versa, some of the greatest reading material has nothing outwardly that appeals.  So it goes with every area of life, and churches are no different. Because my husband has been in ministry since we were married, I've known him in no other role. Our church is also our employer. Just like any job, a minister (or minister's wife) knows the ins-and-outs of their employer. We know what lies beneath the worship and the message and the smiles. Being on staff at a church allows you to know the heart of those leading the church, in a way many other members often never see. 

Is anyone out there getting nervous about what I am going to say?

I am so thankful for the churches the Lord has allowed us to serve in. The Lord has given us great provision in the places he has called us. The heart of the elders and ministers at our current church bless me. They really do. I can say with all honesty, that I admire the integrity, wisdom, discernment and love that the staff of our church has; my husband included. 

The Lord has stirred many things in my soul over the past year. The two most evident, are contentment and generosity. 

Jesus has shown me the beauty and the joy of having a heart that is content in him, content with my circumstances, with my resources, with my life, in general. I feel so ungrateful putting those words down, but my flesh battles the Lord's desire for contentment. My flesh longs for more, looks to the future, prepares for tomorrow, contemplates every move. But my spirit has tasted the goodness of finding enjoyment with each moment. My heart has found solace in being fully fulfilled by the job I am called to.  And my mind has found rest by not yearning for what is not mine, by not feeling that more of anything would provide the answers to my desires.  But godliness with contentment is great gain.

The second truth the Lord has impressed upon my heart is generosity. You see, generosity is easy for many, but not for the greedy. And that is me, greedy. I want what is due me, I cling to what I have, and I have a hard time giving of all I have, or at least I did. I still struggle, but as I've been reminded recently the antidote to greed is giving.  

I've never minded giving when it fit within logic. I am not talking about tithing, I mean giving...freely giving above what makes sense, above what fits into my budget. I would give to others when there was enough to keep a fair share for myself first. I looked out for number one. It is easy to give when it cost you nothing. If I give $20 to a neighbor in need when there is one hundred times that in the bank, what faith is there? But, when the need increases to several hundred dollars and that is ALL that is in the bank account, you better believe I was not that foolish. I had to take care of number one, remember? That was until the Lord began to reveal the greed that had taken root in my heart. As he began to show my sin for what it was, I was ashamed. I have been brought to tears on more than one occasion over my selfishness.  Jesus has began to give light to my heart and allow my mind to really grasp what it means to be only a manager, a steward. 

Our pastor has recently been teaching on the latter of my learnings. He has talked in depth about many of the things the Lord had already been stirring in my soul.  

Over a week ago, he preached out of Luke 16. In verse 9 Jesus tells us to use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourself, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

As he went on, the holy spirit so gently began to show me many ways I can use all I have been entrusted with to pour into the lives of others. As I use my earthly wealth to gain friends, I am leading them to a deeper knowledge of my Savior. I am also leading myself to that place. The thought of having a  welcoming crowd to await me in the kingdom thrills me. Many people have given of their wealth and because of that, I know the Lord. I am so thankful for the changes in my life since that beautiful day when I was in the 5th grade, and Jesus became the Lord over my life. It reminded me of the old Ray Boltz song (don't laugh).

As fifty plus members of our church walked out presenting their cardboard testimony for all to see, I felt my eyes fill with tears. These were my friends, staff members, volunteers, and devoted followers.  Their cardboard testimony was a statement of who they used to be. As they flipped their piece of cardboard over, the new sentence revealed what they have become. 

Some stated things like:

Convicted Felon---Small Group Leader

Three stillborn babies---Living with Joy and awaiting our reunion

Living with Cancer---By HIS stripes, I am healed

Christian Imposter---Truly in love with Jesus

Struggled with infertility, doubted God---Blessed by our child's adoption in 2007...and pregnant!

I thought Christian men were weak---I am one

God Robber----Giving of all I have been given

Born with a terminal illness and never expected to live to age two----I'll be three next month

Our pastor's wife walked out with her neurologist. 

Her cardboard read, "Diagnosed with MS in May of 2007" 

Her neurologists' said, "Her Unchurched doctor"

He flipped his to reveal, "Baptized Easter of 2008"

She flipped hers to reveal, "Worth It!"

There were so many testimonies of life change.  Each person's life had been changed through an outpouring of generosity by one or more people. This is why we use our earthly wealth to gain friends. This is why we give of all we have. Not to be caught in a bubble of Christianity, but to win as many to the Lord as we can while we live this short life. 

With that, I've spent over a week trying to think of my cardboard testimony.  I've turned it over and over in my mind. Not because I cannot think of one, but because I can think of so so so many. There are numerous changes the Lord has brought about in my life. 

My Cardboard Testimony:

Stingy---Steward

What is your cardboard testimony?

Ramblings...

Do you ever sit down to face the daunting computer screen without so much as a word on your mind?

This is where I am tonight. 

Blank.

Not even I know what will flow from my fingertips, so here goes...

Number 1:

I've always struggled with fear. 

Fear of failure. 

Fear of ridicule. 

Fear of sorrow. 

Fear of death. 

Fear of the unknown. 

Fear of fear. 

I can remember being young and crying myself to sleep over a fear that had not even come to pass. My parents divorcing, my mom having another baby, sickness, heartache, so many things. I truly believe my mind is a battlefield and my struggle is not against flesh and blood. Rather it is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph.6) 

With that knowledge, I know the Lord calls me to battle. To take hold of the victory which he has already conquered. 

When an event like sweet Lilly's passing happens, I am not only flooded by overwhelming sorrow, but also with fear. 

The devil begins to get a foothold in the vast array of thoughts that flood my mind.  

Fear shows its face. 

I can't sleep. 

I can't eat. 

I can't keep my thoughts focused. 

I can't enjoy what I have been given. 

I have to battle to take each thought captive. I have to forcefully declare the powerful name of Jesus. I have to cling so tightly to what I have come to know to be true. 

If my faith is not there in the hardest of times, is it really a faith at all? 

Of course I question, but who doesn't?

Questions do not mean that I disregard everything I have found to be true and right. 

My Jesus is my Jesus is my Jesus is my Jesus. 

Always.

My non-negotiable, remember?

But fear is my thorn in the flesh.

It is my sin that does not depart from me. The one I battle over and over again.

My thoughts that can churn with ideas of creativity, love, joy and excitement quickly slip into thoughts of darkness, sorrow, anxiety and fear. 

But I press on. 

I take hold of that which Christ Jesus has called me. 

Not to live in a spirit of fear, but rather one of power. 

One of love. 

One of a sound mind. 

Number 2:

Last Wednesday night as my husband finished up talking to the hundreds of high schoolers that had gathered, he began an illustration about my son.  

I had taken the kids to the service so that Noah could listen to the band play and daddy talk. As Brad began the illustration, he called for Noah to come up on stage. 

He showed off his lil' buddy. 

Brad spoke on worship. About following the father and imitating him. He began to tell how Noah mimics everything he does. From running and jumping to laughing and chewing, he wants to be just like his daddy!

As he spoke, my big boy (almost 2 now) just stood there.

Holding daddy's hand.

Gazing up at him. 

In awe of his big, strong, intelligent, super-star dad.

My eyes filled with tears as I watched the bond between my husband and my son grow stronger in that moment.

When did my baby grow into such a big boy? 

Precious memories.

Might I add that he was quite a stud up on that stage? Noah and Brad. What a combo!

Number 3:

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. You know, THE doctor. Yep.

Number 4: 

The time change really has thrown me for a loop. 

It always does. 

Why can't every state be like Arizona and forego the time change. 

There are few things in life that should not change. 

Time being one of them.

Number 5:

Why is Easter so early this year? How does that work anyway? What are the rules for deciding when Easter Sunday falls? I know many holidays follow some type of rule, what is Easters? 

Number 6:

I'm finished and going to bed!

Applause!