Ramblings...

Do you ever sit down to face the daunting computer screen without so much as a word on your mind?

This is where I am tonight. 

Blank.

Not even I know what will flow from my fingertips, so here goes...

Number 1:

I've always struggled with fear. 

Fear of failure. 

Fear of ridicule. 

Fear of sorrow. 

Fear of death. 

Fear of the unknown. 

Fear of fear. 

I can remember being young and crying myself to sleep over a fear that had not even come to pass. My parents divorcing, my mom having another baby, sickness, heartache, so many things. I truly believe my mind is a battlefield and my struggle is not against flesh and blood. Rather it is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph.6) 

With that knowledge, I know the Lord calls me to battle. To take hold of the victory which he has already conquered. 

When an event like sweet Lilly's passing happens, I am not only flooded by overwhelming sorrow, but also with fear. 

The devil begins to get a foothold in the vast array of thoughts that flood my mind.  

Fear shows its face. 

I can't sleep. 

I can't eat. 

I can't keep my thoughts focused. 

I can't enjoy what I have been given. 

I have to battle to take each thought captive. I have to forcefully declare the powerful name of Jesus. I have to cling so tightly to what I have come to know to be true. 

If my faith is not there in the hardest of times, is it really a faith at all? 

Of course I question, but who doesn't?

Questions do not mean that I disregard everything I have found to be true and right. 

My Jesus is my Jesus is my Jesus is my Jesus. 

Always.

My non-negotiable, remember?

But fear is my thorn in the flesh.

It is my sin that does not depart from me. The one I battle over and over again.

My thoughts that can churn with ideas of creativity, love, joy and excitement quickly slip into thoughts of darkness, sorrow, anxiety and fear. 

But I press on. 

I take hold of that which Christ Jesus has called me. 

Not to live in a spirit of fear, but rather one of power. 

One of love. 

One of a sound mind. 

Number 2:

Last Wednesday night as my husband finished up talking to the hundreds of high schoolers that had gathered, he began an illustration about my son.  

I had taken the kids to the service so that Noah could listen to the band play and daddy talk. As Brad began the illustration, he called for Noah to come up on stage. 

He showed off his lil' buddy. 

Brad spoke on worship. About following the father and imitating him. He began to tell how Noah mimics everything he does. From running and jumping to laughing and chewing, he wants to be just like his daddy!

As he spoke, my big boy (almost 2 now) just stood there.

Holding daddy's hand.

Gazing up at him. 

In awe of his big, strong, intelligent, super-star dad.

My eyes filled with tears as I watched the bond between my husband and my son grow stronger in that moment.

When did my baby grow into such a big boy? 

Precious memories.

Might I add that he was quite a stud up on that stage? Noah and Brad. What a combo!

Number 3:

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. You know, THE doctor. Yep.

Number 4: 

The time change really has thrown me for a loop. 

It always does. 

Why can't every state be like Arizona and forego the time change. 

There are few things in life that should not change. 

Time being one of them.

Number 5:

Why is Easter so early this year? How does that work anyway? What are the rules for deciding when Easter Sunday falls? I know many holidays follow some type of rule, what is Easters? 

Number 6:

I'm finished and going to bed!

Applause!