I'll Just Read Me

I am currently re-reading and fully engrossed in every discipline book I own, all two of them!

I've read these books in the past and at that time I implemented tid-bits of their wisdom, but honestly they gave me an undeserved sense of pride.  My thoughts sounded something like this: "My child obeys. He responds well to our requests. We must have been doing things right...right? He has been such an easy child."

And then...he turned TWO! 

My child has gone missing. Where is he? And who is the strong-willed, defiant dude in his shoes? The same boy that has charmed his way into the depths of my soul has now made me want to pluck my eyebrows out.

I've said "No" and "Don't" about a plethrazillion times over the past few weeks.

And coming from a person who has always been very reserved to say the N (no) word, this is quite trying. 

I do the church thing alone. 

On Sunday mornings my husband leaves for church a little after  7am so I get both of the kids up, fed, dressed to impress, and to church on time. Well, kind of on time. I consider all start times to have a  5   15 minute grace period.   All the while, I cannot go in my pajamas so somewhere in the chaos joy of Sunday mornings I get myself dolled up as well. One particular Sunday morning closer to the beginning of May, I was less than thrilled to drrraaaggg my son into church. I'm sure I was quite a sight carrying a seven month old, 2 over-stuffed diaper bags (since they each have to have one in the nursery), a Bible and a journal while dragging a whailing 2 year old in a tie across the walkway.  I know his shoes must have left skid marks on the pavement. He was refusing to go to "this church" because he wanted to go to the "basketball church". Seeing as though there is no such thing, this made perfect sense to me. 

Recently at dinner, this same tot shoved his plate of food back at me just as I was placing it in front of him. 

There has also been a very recent hand-washing meltdown involving this same subject. 

You get the picture?

A few weeks ago on a Sunday morning we allowed him to watch the band during the praise time. My son, the music lover, delights in this.  When we chose to do this, my worship may not be with hands lifted high, but it is truly a place that my spirit finds worship. The only difference between this week and the others is that this time I carried him out of the sanctuary screaming as the worship set wrapped up. I mean the "hand over the mouth, straight-jacket wrapped, running up the aisle" type of carried.

And at that moment, I became "that lady". You know who that lady is.  

Why in the world did that lady bring her son into the service?

Did you see that lady's screaming child?

Who in the world is that lady?

What is that lady's deal?

Is that lady hurting that poor child?

Doesn't that lady know better?

I'll never be like that lady!

You know you've thought it. I know I have, and now I am her! 

That's the problem though. It's not about me. It isn't about how I look. My children's behavior doesn't determine my honor. I forget that. I forget that it's about the Lord and the heart of my two year old son. My children will sin. I know this, but sometimes I forget it and then I'm blind-sided by blatant acts of disobedience.  

I sin. In all of my diligence and my overwhelming love for the Lord, I still sin. Although the Lord is not blind-sided by my choice to sin, I have to believe that it still hurts him. I know this because my son's sin hurts my heart. 

It hurts me because I can see that training is for his benefit. I can see the bigger picture, not just the moment he is living in. I know that often we withhold something from him in order to give him something better in the future. I know that in gaining self-control, character is built.  I know that just because something seems appealing, it may not be the best thing for him.

You get the picture? 

Recently as Noah was sleeping peacefully, I laid my hand on his back and prayed over him. As I was praying, the Lord began to speak to my heart.  

"Pray for you," he told me. Pray for guidance. Pray for forgiveness from letting up on training your son and giving into his charm. 

Tonight I was given a sweet reminder. It is not about me, yet it is. 

I am to "train my children up in the way they should go so that when they are old, they will not depart from it."  I am to love them unconditionally. I am to exercise patience beyond what seems acceptable. 

I am to cast all limits aside. What seems like a reasonable limit for patience is nothing in comparison to the patience the Lord pours out over my trying soul. 

When I can take a step back and see how the Lord views my sin, and how he responds to me with discipline, pruning my growing soul, loving me beyond measure and using each of my falls as a chance for growth I can do the same for my children.

When I do this, I don't grow weary in the midst of trials. When I do this, I exercise love and patience beyond what comes naturally.

Thank you Jesus for writing a discipline book with my life. I love that I can open the pages of my life and read a book with all the scenarios already played out. I've tried and tested the Lord, yet he has proven faithful and true.

Jesus I ask for strength to be proven faithful and true as well.

If anyone would like to purchase the book of discipline written by my poor choices, it will go on sale very soon!